#pets

Social coaches call it “working the room” and sell a six-week course on finding your people at parties.

Delegate to a professional. A customs beagle retiring after nine years at Arrivals holds strong opinions about who is carrying undeclared food, and will escort you directly to the guest with a sausage roll in their coat — statistically the most interesting person there. Field notes report a 100% strike rate on snacks and, to date, no other category of friend.

Alarm clocks have snooze buttons, volume settings, and off switches — three separate failure modes before 7 a.m.

A cat has none of these. It wakes you at five, daily, by standing on your sternum and screaming about a bowl that is half full. Punctuality: absolute. Configurability: none. Certification note: the cat cannot be set for weekends off. The board tried. The board has apologised to the cat.

Pet-bonding articles claim fish recognise their owners, citing studies the fish have not read.

Introduce yourself daily anyway. Every morning a fresh start; every meeting your first — the goldfish is the only honest relationship you have, and it costs a flake. Field note: after two years, our researcher and the fish greet each other identically. Neither remembers why. Both continue. That is companionship.

Anti-cat shelf strategies include double-sided tape, aluminium foil, and citrus spray. The cat has reviewed them all: two stars, fun texture.

Own nothing. Minimalism, enforced by a small landlord with fur — the shelf stands empty, and the cat surveys a kingdom with nothing left to push. Somewhere a decluttering guru weeps at the purity: no joy sparked, none needed. The floor was the goal. All things reach the floor.

Dog-walking guides cover heel position, lead tension, and “being the pack leader”, a role your dog has already cast.

Let it walk you. It knows the route; it has opinions about the route; your role is ballast with a treat pocket. Efficiency doubles once you stop steering — the disagreements were the slow part. Somewhere along the hedge line, you will both know who is whom. Keep the bag. That part is still yours.

Cat-training literature exists. It is written by optimists and reviewed by cats.

Call the cat whatever it is already doing. “Sitting! Good sitting.” A 100% response rate, on the cat’s terms, which were the only terms on offer. The cat now comes when called, provided it was already coming. Dominion achieved, nominally. The cat has signed nothing.